The number

It's only been a few day since my last post, and not much has happened.  However, I just have one thing that I need to share...the number is now...

247.4

I am officially under 250 pounds!

AND I INTEND ON NEVER GOING BACK!!!

The bad week, my number, and next year

Most of you who are reading this are probably my friend on Facebook as well.  If so, you might have seen that I've had a tough week.  I've really tried to stray from posting annoying status updates on Facebook....I usually don't see much of a point in complaining about life on there (not that I mind if other people need to).  However, it was just so horrendous that I wanted some confirmation that people cared.  I had different kinds of "bad" this week, and this morning was one of the scariest.  
Monday - binge bad.  Pretty self-explanatory.  I binged.  Bad.  Really bad.  I ate an entire medium pizza and 2 lava cakes.  I felt so sick afterward.  You might be wondering why I ate that much of it made me feel sick.  I'm still wondering that.  
Wednesday - bawling bad.  I bawled my eyes out all the why home, crying to my mother on the phone wondering why someone wanted to make me so upset.  
This morning (Saturday) - depression bad.  My doctor has official had me off of my depression meds for a couple of months now.  This morning, for some reason, I had really bad depression thoughts.  I haven't dealt with them in several months, so it was pretty hard to shake.  However, I did so within a couple of hours (for the most part...some are still lingering), so I'm very proud of myself.  It really is scary to think about those thoughts, though.  To hear your own voice in your head asking "Why am I teaching?...Why am I even living?  Would anyone really notice if I was gone?" is really scary.  When I was in the depression stages really badly, it wasn't as scary because they were there every day...just repeating themselves in my head.  When you've gotten used to that positive voice in your head, it can be really scary to hear them come back.  I think it was a little more troubling because Bob isn't back from his business trip yet, and I think hearing another voice would kind of pop them out.  I didn't feel like calling anyone, though, especially my mom.  I'm sure that part of my life was just as scary for her.  
Anyway, I have an "assignment" this week to think of some starting conversation points to bring up about the stuff that has been going on at work.  I wish I could go into all of the nitty gritty details of what happened on here, but when you study education at BG (or I'm sure a lot of other colleges), you pretty much get a lecture in every course about the dangers of posting things on the Internet.  I would love to feel like I could get it all out there, but unfortunately this is not the place or time for the details.  The overall issue is that I'm scared to death to stand up for myself.  Why?  Because I HATE confrontation.  I'd rather take a beating every day and bring myself back to life every night just to fight it again.  I hate that feeling of my face and cheeks turning red, not being able to think of the words to say and blinking up at the lights so that nobody can see the tears forming.  Ugh...I just hate it!  When in my life did this fear of confrontation begin?!  I didn't have a problem with this in the earlier days of college!  At any rate, the fear is with me now, so I need some strong words and phrases to just be memorized so I can say something when I need to say it.  


So, onto other things.  As much as I try not to just complain, I need to get this out there - I'm so frustrated that I woke up with a stomach ache, took medicine for that, that went away, and now I have a migraine!  It would suck on any day, but especially today!  It's sooo beautiful outside!  I'd love to have the windows and blinds all wide open, but the light and noise is really bothering me right now! :(  Maybe they'll get better and tomorrow will still be a wonderful day.  Let's hope so!  For awhile I just had to sit and let the pounding continue.  At least now it's gotten better enough that I can have the TV on, the one curtain is open, and I can focus on typing.  


My number.  I haven't updated about "my number" in awhile.  I'm not sure what the last post was, but I'll update from as much as I remember.  For the last 3 weeks, I've gained according to my Weight Watchers weigh ins.  The first week I gained 0.3 lbs., the second week I gained 0.4 lbs., and I think I gained 0.6 lbs. the last week.  The only weird thing is that according to my weigh ins for The Biggest Loser at work, I've lost each week.  This week, my weigh-in even said that I lost 3.25 lbs.  (or something close to that...I'm not sure on the exact now, but it was around 3 or 4 lbs).  I'm not giving up on my weight loss, but it sure has been frustrating, especially because I'm SO close to 250 and getting under that!  So even with my binge, I'm still within my points range for the week.  Let's hope that I've gotten under that dreaded 250 mark!


Next year.  The next year of my life has been, and I fear always will be, up in the air.  Will I have a job?  Won't I?  Will it be full time?  Will it be in Washington?!  So many questions up in the air and unanswered.  It's April 21st.  I'm supposed to hear about a summer job "in mid-April."  I have no clue when I'm supposed to know about next year.  Numbers are still coming together.  I understand that everyone's doing their best...I'm just so anxious/nervous.  


Well, the head is starting to pound again, so I suppose I should take a break.  Thanks to all of those who read my blog, even if just on occasion.  I really appreciate the support!  :)  


Much love! 

I Try To Keep My Head Up, But It's So Heavy

So today is Sunday.  Sunday is weigh-in day.  Usually, when I remember this, I jump out of bed, excited to see what results the past week has brought me.  Today = no exception.  I woke up about 30 minutes ago and was about ready to roll back over and try to go back to sleep when I remembered...Sunday...weigh-in day!  So I excitedly went to the scale and weighed myself, twice, as I always do, for accuracy.  My new number? 

253.5 lbs. 

Waa, waa.... :(  I about cried.  I'm trying to tell myself that maybe I gained muscle, but I don't know enough about exercise and how it changes my body to know if that's really true.  This is the first week in SO long that I have exercised at all, and I exercised four days. 
1) Zumba
2) Day 1 of C25K (mix of walk/jog)
3) Failed Day 2 of C25K resulted in a 5 minute walk and 15 minutes biking
4) Zumba


I didn't lift weights...I know I gain muscle in other ways, and I DID just have that surgery, but still.  :(  Anyway, now comes the sad part of recalculating my pretty stones.  I think with the 0.4 and 0.7 I gained between the last 2 weeks, I'm going to have to put a stone back in the "pounds to lose" jar.  I just want to make sure it's all correct, so I'm going to double count for sure.


So what to do now?  Well, I was intent on doing my first actual Zumba workout today since I've finally finished the DVD showing me how to do the moves.  Honestly, though, I don't really want to.  Will I have time to workout later this week?  Who knows...it's going to be a crazy one with going back to school.  Anyway, I have had my rant/rave/cryfest on here now, so it's off to another (hopefully weight-loss filled) week.  




Things to keep my thoughts on to lift my spirits:
1)  I got my (first!) BEAUTIFUL and MEANINGFUL tattoo yesterday!  

2)  It barely hurt at all while it was being done, and there was literally NO bleeding...I don't even think it was red ever!  
3)  Bob and I had a great time at the Symphony last night and jointly agreed to get series tickets again next season.

4)  I get to go back to school tomorrow!  I have so much work to get caught up on, and I can't wait to be in that organized state of mind and have control over all of the projects/testing/deadlines I have in the near future!  AND to see my kiddos!  ANDDDD my coworkers!  I miss them sooo much!  


5) Last, but OF COURSE not least, today is EASTER!  God has given me so much in my life, and today is an EXTRA special day that I get to celebrate Him and all He has done for us!  Thank you, God, for everything you have given me and allowed me to accomplish so far in my lifetime! 


6) OK, so 5 reminded me of something else...it's Link's honorary birthday!  


So have a wonderful, beautiful Easter Sunday.  For those of you who get to see family, don't take it for granted...I'm missing mine today!  Until next time...


Much Love!

My Number & My Foot

Well I've woken up a little too early for my Spring Break likings, but not too early for my body, so I'm going to go with it (it's 8:38AM).

My number.  My weight.  What is it?  Well, there are numerous ways that people could have guessed it now, could have figured out that dreaded, awful, 3-digit number that seems to either depress me or inspire me.  While it is still way too high for my liking, it has been mostly an inspiration for the past months.  Watching it drop almost every week and get closer and closer to each sub-goal along with my obvious overall goal has been thrilling!  It's such a challenge.  Even on the bad weeks, watching my body almost from the outside looking in to see how I handle the defeat seems to be quite  interesting.  So, my number...will I reveal it?  I'd like to share some of the subgoals on here and work toward them.  Tell you how close I am to such and such and how I now weigh the equivalent of an elephant instead of a circus! ;)  So while I realize that I am morbidly obese (no joke there at all), I do have to mention that when you read MY number, realize that I know there are numbers out there that are bigger than mine and smaller than mine.  My number is just that - MY number.  One of the things that bothers me most is when people talk about how "fat" they are then reveal their number of 110 lbs. or something like that.  BUT, no matter what your number, if you are attempting to lose weight, I support you.  So, I weigh in on Sundays, so that means this number will change tomorrow.  But, as of last Sunday, my number was....

252.8 lbs. 

So, now that you've figured that one out, I can share a few other things.  My starting weight as of January 15th was 275 lbs.  I've lost 22.2 lbs. since then averaging out to 2 lbs. a week.  :)  Now, one of my subgoals is to be under 250.  That's why I've been so excited about this lately.  Will I hit that goal this week?  I've been eating healthy, and I've exercised 3 times!  Normally I don't exercise at all!  So please keep your fingers crossed (and as my kids at school would say, "and your legs and your arms and your hairs..!!!") that this week that scale will be showing me something that starts with 24...otherwise, I'll just be happy with a loss or learn from a gain.  

So...tattoo news.  After much and much and much discussion with Haley and Alicia, I think I've come to another (sub)conclusion.  Thank you SO much, you two, and so many other people, for putting up with me this week and prior.  You know it's a huge deal for me.  Bob has made a valid point for some time now that it's very typical of me to want something really bad but then not care about it as much once I get it.  Last night he made this point again and we discussed a few more things.  I now think that I am getting the tattoo on my foot.  As Janet nicely pointed out, I can think of it as walking every day...I take a step each day, and I know that "I Can".  (OK, she put it a little nicer, but you get the idea).  So my left wrist had symbolism, so I think I'm going with my left foot.  I think the tattoos on the side of feet are beautiful, but I want it to be more visible to me so that I see it all the time.  Now I'm thinking on the top either across the middle or closer to my toes.  

So, my appointment is at 12:00 today, and Ben, the guy doing it, seems really nice.  I feel really relaxed in their shop.  Alicia recommended bringing a towel to bite down on.  I'm definitely taking that advice.  The whole time I've been making this decision, I've vowed to myself to not let pain be a factor on the placement.  So, this is gonna hurt. lol  Any other recommendations, let me know.  

So, as for the next post, get excited for some tattoo pics and if it's tomorrow, my *new* number!

**Surgery update - incisions healing like ....well, I can't think of anything creative...but they're healing SO well!  I tried on clothes yesterday like a pro!  It's hard to do with 3 incisions around your breast/armpit area!   

Thanks for reading!  It's appreciated, as always! 

Much Love!

The Debate Team...Me, Myself, and I

It's been an interesting week...Yesterday I went to my weekly psychiatrist appointment.  The main topic of discussion?  My tattoo.  Why do I feel the need for such approval from other people on this? I've been pondering back and forth, back and forth.  Once, I dated a guy for about 2 years.  He didn't like it when I died my hair.  So I didn't.  He also didn't like my hair a certain length, so I kept it the length he liked.  Did he MAKE me do this? NO!  Did he even ASK me to do it?  No!  But I just had to have that constant approval, so I refrained from dying my hair.  Goodness.  That was crazy.  For those of you who have known me since then, I LOVE dying my hair...such a quick change that can be so fun.  I'm glad that even if Bob likes my hair one color, I can change it back and forth.  

But this tattoo...if he doesn't like it, I can't (well, pretty much can't and won't) get it removed.  Well, he's told me he won't like it.  This is just killing me.  Is he telling me NOT to get it?  NO!  Is he telling me it's a bad decision? Yes.  Especially professionally? Yes.  But are my coworkers and other professionals telling me to go ahead and get it? YES!  So contradictory.  The main point of this tattoo is NOT to hide it.  It's to remind myself that I Can do so many things that I thought were impossible before and might think are impossible in the future.  BUT, if I have very professional meetings, if I have more interviews down the road, if I hate it when I'm 80, I can wear any number of watches, bracelets or other jewelry to hide it if I want to.  It just makes perfect sense to me, but I feel like there's got to be some catch.

So anyway, I've decided that I will be getting the tattoo, and tomorrow is the day.  Now, how do I go about doing this? lol...I'm gonna have to give good ol' Fish a call.  I know where I want it done, but I don't know if I have to go in today or earlier for a sketch or whatever and then come back for the tattoo.  I feel kind of silly, but hey...if you're getting one, everybody's gotta go through the first time once, right?

Anyway...onto another topic.  I was on an emotional high yesterday.  After much debate about how/when to exercise (note that I had already convinced myself that I needed to exercise no matter what), I finally decided to do Day 1 of Couch to 5K (again...I did C25K sometime a year or 2 ago).  I flew through it with no problems and cried happy tears about 10  minutes into it because I was so proud of myself.  Fast forward to today.  Five minute warm up walk...doing fine.  Just fine.  Jog from minute 5 to minute 6?  Fail. At 5:05 I abruptly stopped the treadmill feeling a fall come on.  Bob asked if I was OK, but I was so stunned I couldn't say much.  I know, it's kind of obvious and I shouldn't expect so much so quickly, but it was still just so devastating that I (think) literally could not run for even that 1st minute.  I didn't want to push it...just too risky with the surgery healing still...falling would not be a good option.  So I took a breather, got a drink and did 15 minutes on the bike until Bob was done with his workout.  Am I bummed? completely. still...I think I will be for awhile.  Can I still do other workouts? Yes.  But was my heart set on C25K again? Yes.  We'll see how long it takes me to forget about this one.  

On another note, the steri-strips are all off of 2 of the 3 incision sites.  They're still looking great although when I touch them I can definitely feel the thickness of the tissue there.  No worries.  I'm fine with 3 tiny little battle wounds.  I'm going to add them to my huge scar from the ovarian cyst removal and make a story about them and the big war that they fought for my body.  :)  I also have 6 or so huge bruises from those shots.  Maybe they can be cities that got attacked.  This should be interesting.  Let me know if you have any ideas for characters.  :)  Maybe my tattoo can come into play in this novel. lol

Well, I just had to get some frustration out into writing.  Plus, I'm standing here typing as I let my tanning lotion dry.  Jergens...MUST BUY!  :)  I'm telling you...it's great!  :)  

As usual, please leave the love!  I could definitely use some encouragement with the tattoo for tomorrow! 

P.S. (If you read this and talk to my 'rents (mainly if Kirk and/or Kyle read this), mom knows and dad doesn't. :)  That's how I'd like to keep it until I have to see them face to face again. K. thanks.) :) lol

Much Love!

The Tube, The Goals, and More

Hello, everyone!  I feel like I haven't blogged in quite some time.  On a good note, I've noticed that typing hasn't bothered me that much since surgery!  Yay for my medication working!  :)  I have an appointment with my neurologist in a couple of hours, and I'm so excited to see him.  I feel very comfortable with him, and we haven't spoken since my last visit.  I can't wait to show him the incision sites!  Since I'm on the topic, how about a surgery update? 

I had a thymectomy on Tuesday morning.  Our check in time was 6:00 AM, which was probably best.  With me having pretty much insomnia lately, I knew I'd be up bright and early anyway.  Monday night I had to start my official, official surgery prep.  No eating 12 hours before surgery was the first direction.  This just ended up being comical. We had decided to make a chicken and rice casserole that my sister-in-law's sister had given me a recipe for and is now a favorite for Bob and me.  Well I had to stop eating by either 6:00 or 7:40 (surgery time)...we weren't sure, so we were just going to go with 6:00.  Well I totally forgot to start making dinner, so it wasn't ready until 5:45.  Even then, I felt bad because I wanted it to sit for a bit.  Mom was on the phone with either dad or a coworker, and Bob was on his work phone, so I went ahead and ate by myself.  I know it's not that big of a deal, but it still COULD be a last meal (I guess any meal could be), but they were both shocked when they got off their phones and it was past 6:00.  I think they enjoyed the meal, though.  :)  

The next direction was to cleanse in the shower with this special soap that wouldn't lather and basically just sucked.  I think this started to mentally freak me out.  I had to have help because I was a little weak and we had to cleanse the surgery site extra carefully.  As I got out and put on my fresh clothes, things were winding down for the night.  Bob was upset because I wanted to paint my mom's toenails (I'd promised her I would, even though it's not that big of a deal), and he wanted to go to sleep.  For this night, anyway, mom was going to sleep in bed with me and Bob was going to be on the couch.  So Bob yelled at me about how he had to work in the morning and I yelled at him about how I had to have surgery...great things to fall asleep to, right?  Anyway, we finally all went to bed and I apologized to Bob in the morning...making me feel much more at ease.  

We went to the hospital in the morning with no problems except a long wait.  It turns out my surgery wasn't scheduled until 8:30.  I'd gotten the wrong paperwork in the mail!  Crazy!  My hospital very rarely makes mistakes, and I love them, so as long as I still got to have the surgery on that day, I was fine.  This also meant, though, that what we thought was going to be a 2 hour surgery from the mail information was actually going to be more like 4 or 5.  Poor mom and Bob.  Bob had been planning on going into work as soon as he got the word I was out of surgery and fine, but he ended up taking the day off.  I guess my mom is used to it since Kyle had about a billion surgeries in his day.  I asked her once how she copes when we're in surgery and she said you just can't think about it because you don't have any control.  You trust the doctors who are in there and pray.  :)  Love my momma.

Now this may seem like a weird thing, but to those of you in serious relationships or recently married, picture this...it's just strange.  As I prepared to go up to surgery, they said only one person could go with us.  Mom and Bob had already decided Bob was going.  I felt bad, because I didn't know if my mom was worried or not, but it's true.  Bob is MY family now.  Just us two.  It's just so weird to think about...I hope that makes sense.  So I was a little shocked as I rode up the elevator, but then I was fine.  They laid me down in a bed and the anesthesiologist came over to introduce himself and ask me questions.  He seemed really nice and the one thing he had to do before I was out wasn't very painful at all even though he said it would be, so I liked him an EXTRA lot. :)  Then a nurse came over and said she had to give me my first of a series of shots I'd be getting to prevent blood clots.  She continued to tell me how this was going to be very painful each time and she was so sorry she had to do it (great confidence boost, right?!).  But, to my surprise...no pain!  I mean, I had the pain from the needle going in, but nothing from the medicine.  To this day, a week later, I do have huge red/blue/purple bruises on my stomach from each and every shot, though.  I'd take pictures to gross you out, but then you'd never read my blog again.  They're hideous, though.  

The next thing I know, I was being taken back to surgery.  I said good-bye and told Bob I loved him and would see him afterward.  The next thing I remember is them putting the gas mask on me and asking if I'd picked out a dream yet.  I hadn't...I was still praying.  Then...I woke up!  First I was in recovery, then I was in the ICU, which was pre-planned.  Since a lot of people with Myasthenia Gravis have problems chewing and breathing, they did it as a precaution.  They told me after my overnight stay that I was "low-maintenance".  HA! Even I know they didn't see the real me, then! ;)  I keep reminding Bob that I'm low-mainenance, though.  I still had sleeping problems, but they did have to keep giving me pills, make me do my breathing tests, etc., so I'm glad I brought some library books that I had checked out.  I was dismissed from the hospital on Thursday afternoon, and the 9 total nurses I had were all wonderful.  My two favorite were Brittany and Lynn from the ICU.  So much fun!  They let me joke around with them a lot.  :)  

The one condition to me being released was no problems when "the tube" came out.  The tube...this infamous tube they had put in my body that I had pretty much no clue what it was doing.  3 incisions were made - one under my right breast, one near my right armpit, and one on the side of my right breast - that one was for the tube.  As of today, the steri-strips have all fallen off of the incision under my breast, and it's healing greatly! Only a 1 inch incision!  The two steri-strips on the upper incision are still there, but it's a small incision, as well (this is where the cameras went in!).  The last incision, though it's the biggest, doesn't have any steri-strips.  That confuses me, because it's the largest.  I do have a stitch in it that will be taken out next Wednesday.  So, as you can see, 3 very tiny incisions.  Also, hardly any pain after the surgery.  On a scale of 1 - 10, the highest pain I ever had was a 4!  I HIGHLY recommend robotic surgery!  

Anyway, the tube!  So I'm picturing this tube to be about 2 - 5 inches long.  They had to do a couple of chest X-Rays to make sure I was healing OK from the inside, and on Thursday morning I got the official go ahead to have the tube taken out.  So in comes a doctor with just a few tools and we went over the directions again...I hold my breath as it's taken out and if anything, let it out slowly - NO sharp breaths.  So he asks if I'm ready and I say yes and out comes this llloooonnnggg tube!  Ohmygoodness!  It was about 1 1/2 feet long, no joke.  I'm amazed that was in me.  Anyway, it had been poking me all the way over in my left ribs, so I was so glad to have that out of me.  Since mom was on her way, I got up, took a few "laps" around the floor, folded all of the blankets, packed my stuff up...I was READY to go home! :)  

Since then there have been a few problems with running out of breath and a lot of coughing, but it's all normal from everything they had to do in my chest.  Now, a week later, I feel pretty much back to normal!  As far as the MG goes, results could show up to a year from now, so I'm trying not to think to much into it.  But if anything goes, I'm still typing, and it doesn't hurt.  :)  However, I'm still a little terrified of going up stairs.  One step at a time, right?  

So!  Onto what I originally thought I was going to post about - my goals!  My friend Kelly is such a wonderful blogger, and she just got a new blog from her amazing fiancé. :)  http://www.beagleandbear.com/  She is the one that inspired me to do these goals, and each time I see her updates it reminds me that I need to stay on top of mine if I haven't.  So, here are the updates for mine.  It is, after all, April now!  

• Diet - As of last Sunday, I've still stayed at about the same weight.  I thought I was going to be on a liquid diet after the surgery, so mom and I went out to eat at the Space Needle, melting Pot, etc.  This took up a lot of points, and I ended up gaining 0.4 lbs. last week.  I'm OK with that, though.  I'm back on track this week.  My goal for this month is to LOSE each week, no matter how much that loss is.  

• Exercise - I don't think I'm as serious about the gym idea I had in my last post.  My goal for exercise for the month is to start Zumba again, even if it's just 10 minutes at a time.  
• Finances - For April finances, I'd like to pay mom & dad back at least a little bit.  Also part of finances is deciding if/when I'm getting my tattoo.  :) 
• Old Friendships  - I've been sticking with my goal of writing a lot of snail mail, and I'm loving it!  I definitely want to keep this up!
• New Friendships - This, sadly, might have to be put on the back burner for April, and not as a way of getting out of it!  I want to hang out with Brittney sooo badly (a new teacher in my district), but we have SO many things that are due in April that it'll be difficult, especially with my being gone the past week and this week for Spring Break.  Maybe we can have celebratory tea after our summer school items are due April 20th?!  

• Career - I'm still taking advantage of all of the classes that our District offers.  Brittney is actually taking a CBM class with me.  We have a big break before our next class (May 1st) in which we have to collect data.  I'm signed up for a SongSmith and AutoCollage 2 day class, as well.  On top of that, I'm helping out with choir every Thursday morning, as well. Everything is going great!  

Just in case you didn't see it last time, or want to see it again: 

• Adventure - I've been having HUGE back and forth feelings about my tattoo.  My mom and Bob (obviously people who have a huge impact in my life) think that getting the tattoo "I Can" on my wrist will be trashy.  I have thought about moving the tattoo to my foot, but there is a lot of reasoning for it being on my wrist, and I don't want to compromise something like that for someone else.  However, I also don't want my husband and mom thinking I'm trashy for the rest of my life.  Hmm...things to ponder...

One last thing I want to comment on is how amazing my time in college was.  I often miss a lot of things, but especially Alpha Omicron Pi and Alpha Phi Omega.  Without my Sorority and Fraternity, I wouldn't have met so many of the amazing people that I have including my husband and all of my best friends.  Just recently, I've been more and more amazed at the wonderful things that are happening since I graduated.  My family in APhiO is growing amazingly, and I hope/think they're staying just as closely knit as we were a year ago.  In addition to that, My LITTLE was elected to be the newest PRESIDENT of our Fraternity!!! Woohoo!!  On top of that, My GRANDLITTLE is the newest Vice President of Membership.  Another family member is our newest Vice President of Service (one of my prior positions...she'll be great!)  My GREAT GRANDLITTLE is our newest treasurer.  While I'm obviously thrilled for our family and the leadership they are showing, Alpha Phi Omega is full of so many leaders anyway, that everyone shows it in some way!  Congratulations to ALL of the newest Executive board!  I couldn't be happier! :)  

Well, time to sign off of this gigantic post.  I hope that if you've suffered through to the end it was at least somewhat enjoyable.  Please leave the love and comments!

Much Love,

Katie

P.S.  If you want gross post-surgery pictures, let me know. :)