Most of you who are reading this are probably my friend on Facebook as well. If so, you might have seen that I've had a tough week. I've really tried to stray from posting annoying status updates on Facebook....I usually don't see much of a point in complaining about life on there (not that I mind if other people need to). However, it was just so horrendous that I wanted some confirmation that people cared. I had different kinds of "bad" this week, and this morning was one of the scariest.
Monday - binge bad. Pretty self-explanatory. I binged. Bad. Really bad. I ate an entire medium pizza and 2 lava cakes. I felt so sick afterward. You might be wondering why I ate that much of it made me feel sick. I'm still wondering that.
Wednesday - bawling bad. I bawled my eyes out all the why home, crying to my mother on the phone wondering why someone wanted to make me so upset.
This morning (Saturday) - depression bad. My doctor has official had me off of my depression meds for a couple of months now. This morning, for some reason, I had really bad depression thoughts. I haven't dealt with them in several months, so it was pretty hard to shake. However, I did so within a couple of hours (for the most part...some are still lingering), so I'm very proud of myself. It really is scary to think about those thoughts, though. To hear your own voice in your head asking "Why am I teaching?...Why am I even living? Would anyone really notice if I was gone?" is really scary. When I was in the depression stages really badly, it wasn't as scary because they were there every day...just repeating themselves in my head. When you've gotten used to that positive voice in your head, it can be really scary to hear them come back. I think it was a little more troubling because Bob isn't back from his business trip yet, and I think hearing another voice would kind of pop them out. I didn't feel like calling anyone, though, especially my mom. I'm sure that part of my life was just as scary for her.
Anyway, I have an "assignment" this week to think of some starting conversation points to bring up about the stuff that has been going on at work. I wish I could go into all of the nitty gritty details of what happened on here, but when you study education at BG (or I'm sure a lot of other colleges), you pretty much get a lecture in every course about the dangers of posting things on the Internet. I would love to feel like I could get it all out there, but unfortunately this is not the place or time for the details. The overall issue is that I'm scared to death to stand up for myself. Why? Because I HATE confrontation. I'd rather take a beating every day and bring myself back to life every night just to fight it again. I hate that feeling of my face and cheeks turning red, not being able to think of the words to say and blinking up at the lights so that nobody can see the tears forming. Ugh...I just hate it! When in my life did this fear of confrontation begin?! I didn't have a problem with this in the earlier days of college! At any rate, the fear is with me now, so I need some strong words and phrases to just be memorized so I can say something when I need to say it.
So, onto other things. As much as I try not to just complain, I need to get this out there - I'm so frustrated that I woke up with a stomach ache, took medicine for that, that went away, and now I have a migraine! It would suck on any day, but especially today! It's sooo beautiful outside! I'd love to have the windows and blinds all wide open, but the light and noise is really bothering me right now! :( Maybe they'll get better and tomorrow will still be a wonderful day. Let's hope so! For awhile I just had to sit and let the pounding continue. At least now it's gotten better enough that I can have the TV on, the one curtain is open, and I can focus on typing.
My number. I haven't updated about "my number" in awhile. I'm not sure what the last post was, but I'll update from as much as I remember. For the last 3 weeks, I've gained according to my Weight Watchers weigh ins. The first week I gained 0.3 lbs., the second week I gained 0.4 lbs., and I think I gained 0.6 lbs. the last week. The only weird thing is that according to my weigh ins for The Biggest Loser at work, I've lost each week. This week, my weigh-in even said that I lost 3.25 lbs. (or something close to that...I'm not sure on the exact now, but it was around 3 or 4 lbs). I'm not giving up on my weight loss, but it sure has been frustrating, especially because I'm SO close to 250 and getting under that! So even with my binge, I'm still within my points range for the week. Let's hope that I've gotten under that dreaded 250 mark!
Next year. The next year of my life has been, and I fear always will be, up in the air. Will I have a job? Won't I? Will it be full time? Will it be in Washington?! So many questions up in the air and unanswered. It's April 21st. I'm supposed to hear about a summer job "in mid-April." I have no clue when I'm supposed to know about next year. Numbers are still coming together. I understand that everyone's doing their best...I'm just so anxious/nervous.
Well, the head is starting to pound again, so I suppose I should take a break. Thanks to all of those who read my blog, even if just on occasion. I really appreciate the support! :)
Much love!
No comments:
Post a Comment