Christmas, 2012, The Number & Exercise

Christmas, 2012, The Number & Exercise

It's been quite a long time since I've written in here - a little over 2 months.  Wow!  I've been fighting some demons from within quite frequently lately, and it hasn't been very fun.  Therefore, I haven't had much of a desire to blog.  Tonight, I think I'm up for it...So what's been going on...

Christmas (in Ohio!) is coming!
I've been super excited for our first Christmas back in Ohio!  Bob and I ended up decorating for Christmas on Thanksgiving day since our Thanksgiving plans were a little turned around.  We actually get a tree skirt and a star for the tree this year, so that felt a little more complete.

Unfortunately, we're tight on money, so we don't have many other decorations besides a wreath.  I'd love to get some lit up garland for outside next year.  We have one garland right now, but it only reaches about 1/3 of the banister.  However, decorations are not that important in the long run.  :)  We have many gifts wrapped under the tree all ready to go to their owners.  I admit that I do have a bit of a problem in I usually like to buy the hubby tons of gifts, so he's lucky there are only 4 (I think) gifts wrapped for him this year!  We still have some gifts to buy and wrap for family and other friends, and I'm very excited to do that!

2012
The year has brought three different jobs for me and life in two different states.  It has been quite crazy, but I wouldn't trade being back in Ohio for anything (OK, it'd be nice if Bob was 100% happy with being back in Ohio right now).  I'm grateful that I have a job, no matter how much stress I receive from day to day, at least I am bringing in money and able to live  with a roof over my head.  It's been a big year for many people!  I saw this video today that a friend shared on Facebook.  One part in particular had me in full on tears:

http://news.yahoo.com/year-in-review-2012-video-inspiring-astounding-moments-042418776.html
 

New Year's Resolutions
Although it's not quite 2013, my brain has been on the path to be working toward new resolutions.  Last January, I gave up pop/soda and coffee.  I have done extremely well with these goals!  The only time I've had any is when I've had mixed alcoholic drinks that may have had pop/soda in them.  I try to avoid it still in mixed drinks, but I will make exceptions from time to time.  Any suggestions for new resolutions?  Of course I'm always working on weight loss, but I want to work on something a little separate from that.  I'm open to ideas!  Comment and leave me some!

The Number

As just mentioned, I'm always working on weight loss.  I think I definitely could have lost more weight this year, but I am also proud of how much I have lost.  Losing the weight slowly, they say, means that I'm more likely to keep it off.  That said, I have lost (to date) ~40 pounds this year!  I still have a few more weeks left, and I'm hoping to make it around 45 for the year of 2012.  I'm sure that at the rate I'm eating clementines (4 each day currently), I'll keep filling up pretty quickly!  The above picture is from February 22nd, 2012, which is just after the start of my weight loss journey.  It's a little inspirational as I can see a little bit of a difference compared to a newer picture from  September 16th 2012.  So in case you haven't read before or can't do the math for some other reason, the newest number is right around

235 pounds

Woohoo!  I'm at a mixture of emotions.  When  I compare that number to the starting point, I am SO PROUD!  But when I just look at it without comparison, I'm so embarrassed at how I've let myself get this fat. ugly. disgusting. (OK...stay semi-positive) overweight.  Anyway, my hope is to lose 50 pounds in the year 2013.  It's hard thinking that, because I was hoping to be at that weight at the end of this year, but I was setting my hopes a little too high back in January 2012, I guess.  Hubby said he will join me in following the Weight Watchers plan in January, so we'll see if that has any impact on how I do on my weight loss.  

Exercise
I'm definitely doing well with following Weight Watchers, and I'm even really enjoying following the plan, trying new healthy foods and experimenting with recipes.  Apparently there's another aspect to this weight loss thing called exercise?!  Who ever decided to include this?!  So all you freaks. lunatics. crazy people.  people I'll just admit I'm jealous of, share your secret.  Give me your favorites or what you think might work for me.  I'd LOVE to hear it!  :)

So let me know all your thoughts on Resolutions and Exercise and anything else that's on your mind!
Much Love!
Katie

10 Things You (Probably) Don't Know About Me

Credit for this idea? - Haley. :) Thanks, friend!

http://haleyhite.tumblr.com/post/30467459395/10-things-you-probably-dont-know-about-me 

1)  I often consider what it would be like in different careers.  This may sound pretty normal for a lot of people.  Sometimes I think it'd be fun to do something else like psychiatry or counseling.  I often think about being a nutritionist, but I have to take my own advice first.  I think it'd be fun to open a restaurant, too.  :)

2)  I am completely awful at video games.  I'm awful in numerous ways.  I cannot for the life of me figure out Lego video games.  I'm just so horrible at them.  They hubby refuses to play with me anymore.  When I play games like 007 and sometimes even Mario, I freak out about dying and scream, cover my eyes and my palms start sweating.  Crazy...but I still like it!

3)  I have a scar on my left butt cheek.  When I was younger, I climbed onto the counter to get a bowl from the cupboard.  Upon attempting to get down, I slipped and the cabinet handle that runs vertically nailed me in the bum. OUCH!  Worst part, my Little Mermaid underwear was ruined!

4)  I'm scared I won't be able to have kids one day.  It's a huge dream of mine (like many other people) to have kids one day.  A couple of years ago, I had a huge ovarian cyst removed.  It was laying across all of my stomach organs (PLEASE ask to see the picture.  It's so amazing, but kind of too graphic to just put on here).  Anyway, it was large enough that they had to remove 1 ovary.  I recently found another hard spot on my stomach, and I'm scared something else is wrong and they'll have to remove the other ovary.  Of course, there are countless other things that could go wrong, but it's just kind of scary to think about.

5)  I have a slight obsession with my Build A Bears.  Four years ago I got my first Build A Bear, Harvard, and I have been obsessed with him and Lafayette (who followed 2 months later).  They have tons of clothes, sleep with me every night, and it gets worse.  Anyway, they started helping me with my anxiety issues and kind of talking me through things, so they've definitely earned their place.  That's just how it is.  :)

6)  Water is extremely calming to me.  This also stems from my anxiety issues.  I was on the swim team in high school, and I believe my calmness came from swimming.  We used to do 1/2 hour swims a lot where we just tried to swim as many laps as possible in 30 minutes.  A lot of swimmers hated this.  Although I was a sprinter, these 30 minute swims were a calming reflection time to me.  When my anxiety got really bad, I realized that swimming still calmed me.  Since that wasn't always possible, I discovered that long showers also helped along with carrying a bottle of water with me everywhere just in case.  Win.  I also love rain and thunderstorms, but that could just be because they're so beautiful! (When not harmful).

7)  I love popcorn!  I get super excited about popcorn at the movies, baseball games, and anything in between.  I love popping it at home, and I pretty much consider it a food group.  

8)  I love traveling.  This one isn't as exciting, because I know a lot of people enjoy it.  While I would love to travel to different countries, I focus more on doable trips within closer distances.  These are more budget friendly at the time, so I actually get to complete them.  It was great living in Seattle, and I wish we would have had more time and money to visit places, but we will someday!  I love hotels alone, besides all the germs.  I love the experience and excitement of a new place, wherever it is.  Hocking Hills is next on the travel list, I believe.

9)  I hate family get togethers.  I love my family, and I love visiting with them, but not altogether.  For 1 side of the family, that can just lead to a ton of people in a few tiny rooms...Crazy anxiety...everyone yelling so loudly...it just gets too crazy.  The other aspect is that I feel sooo incompatible with all of my family members.  Everyone has a 1 (or 100) up on me whether it is looks, career, personality, or all of the above.  I feel like I don't have much to offer to the group, so I get very intimidated.

10)  I support Barack Obama.  Did I vote for him? No.  Will I vote for him this time?  (I'll keep you guessing on that one).  Is he our President?  YES.  Does that mean that he deserves our respect 100% from the day he steps into office?  YES.  I firmly believe that no matter who you vote for, you should always respect our President.  

Well, hopefully that was a little entertaining for you.  I'd love to see more people post things I don't know about you!!

This isn't easy.

Well it's been a rough 24 hours, but after finally talking to my mother, I feel strong enough to write about it.
Yesterday after work, Bob and I went to Ruby Tuesday.  I was really good and got salmon, broccoli and the salad bar (and did well on the tricky salad bar).  On the way home, Bob wanted to get some snack food for the night, so I also got some chips...and ate half the bag last night.  Fail.  I had the rest today.  I also had Panda Express for lunch and Marco's Pizza for dinner.  Obviously...not doing too great on that.
The thing is, it's not like I was insanely craving this food.  This eating, from the last 24 hours, was totally from emotion.  Bob says I often eat out of boredom, and that I don't usually see.  This time, I knew I was eating because I was sad and upset and frustrated.
It's a never ending circle.  I worked really hard this week and didn't miss a workout, but I had actually gained at least a pound as of my unofficial weigh-in.  When I have a bad weight, I just do worse.  The good ones spur me on.  I'm not letting this get the best of me, and I will turn it around right now...just have to get it all out there and admit it so I can move on.

The good news?
-I realize the eating was from being upset and sad.  It's not that I couldn't handle a craving.
-I started a workout today and did 20 minutes of it (before getting so upset that I stopped).  The point is, I worked out today.
-My bad eating has lasted 24 hours or less.  I've done A LOT worse.
-I have lots of healthy recipes to try out next week.

So here's to the failures that make me stronger and to having 2nd (or 324092nd) chances.

Haunting

It hasn't been too great of a day.  I woke up with a killer migraine..the kind that makes my head bob back and forth from the pain pulsing.  I decided a workout was out of the question as I couldn't move much, so I took medicine and went back to sleep for about 30 minutes.  The shower didn't help much, but off I went to work.  I took a half day off and came home, only stopping to get some soup, medicine and redbox picks.  My migraine is wearing off, but on comes that ridiculously haunting anxiety for some reason.  Why today?  What am I worried about?  I've been thinking about my job a lot lately.  Is it what I still want to do?  Who knows.  Who knows what I really want to do in life.  Is this it?  I don't know.  Is it better than having no job?  Yes.  I still feel fat.  Some days I think I feel skinnier...I think I look skinnier.  I wonder if I'll feel fat when I'm actually skinny.  If I hit my goal weight, will I still see the huge balloon when I look in the mirror?  I want to lay in the shower. I'm scared I can't handle that right now...the temptation.  Maybe with some help I can...maybe.  I need to workout.  I'll do that soon.  Maybe that will make me feel better.  I know it's supposed to.  This feeling sucks.  I'm an adult now, I'm supposed to be over this.  I think I need to see a doctor again.  I don't even like how the doctors deal with it.  They don't care...they don't care about me personally.  I think the husband cares, but he's probably so sick of dealing with it, too...just like he's sick of dealing with a lot of things I have going on.  hopefully happier thoughts later.

The Number & The New Rule

I lost 5.4 pounds this week.  Oh.My.Gosh.  I did not expect this at all!  I am on such a high right now!  I had to wake up Bob and share the news because...THIS IS HUGE!  I'm so incredibly proud of myself and the choices I made!  This is how the rest of my life is going to be!  Highlights of the week:

Saturday - did my first Slim in 6 and drank  my first Shakeology, because I was just too excited to try them.

Sunday - excitedly woke up to do Slim in 6 and drink Shakeology again

Monday - Had my first experience in FOREVER of waking up before work to work out.  Made the rest of my day go great. ALSO become full with the help of Shakeology...(Thank you for getting me through the day!)  Went out to dinner with Bob at an Italian restaurant...ordered fish and had some wine

Thursday - Long day at school because of volleyball practice afterward.  Still thankful for Shakeology

Friday - Went out to eat with Bob at Cheesecake Factory and implemented my no bread/no dessert rule for the first time

Saturday - Had one of the best times I've had all year with Jami, Jenn, Bob and a little bit of alcohol...I was worried this was going to push me over the edge with points, but I did pretty well.

Sunday - Weighed in at...

239.7 

Honestly, I thought I was easing myself into this!  I went out to eat twice (not including the 2 Subway visits), but I made smart choices, drank my Shakeology, and did my workouts!  Wow!  Amazing!

On another note - my no bread/no dessert rule.  As you know, I've cut pop and coffee out of my diet.  Occasionally I have pop when it's mixed with a drink at a restaurant, but generally I don't.  I want to keep pushing myself with new rules like this, but I can't stand having them too broad, like "no sweets".  Maybe that will happen someday, but that can include so many things that it's not clear enough for me.  

So, I decided that I won't eat the bread served before a meal OR any dessert when I go out to eat at a restaurant.  First trial - Cheesecake Factory.  I did so well with this rule!  The bread smelled divine, but Bob and I did a good job about talking about other things.  We had the waiter take the menus away and told him right away that we weren't going to be ordering dessert.  

I think it helped that I didn't question it.  I just knew going in that I wouldn't be eating bread or dessert.  Woot woot! 

Well I have to get going on my Sunday chores - cleaning up the apartment, laundry, etc. and enjoying my Slim in 6 and Shakeology!  

Thanks so much to all of you who read this, let me know you read it, comment, encourage me, etc.  It truly helps me each and every day! 

Much Love!

Falling in Love

Yep...I'm definitely falling in love with Shakeology.  Slim in 6?  It's becoming a good friend.  :)

Seriously.  I added 3 ice cubes to my Shakeology this morning, and it got EVEN BETTER!  Three ice cubes?!  Who would've thought it would make such a difference?!  The consistency changed so much for the better.  I got watermelon, pineapple, blueberries, blackberries & raspberries to try in it, too!  Woot woot!  I'm so pumped!  I was fully AGAIN today, which I believe is obviously an effect of the Shakeology.  <3

I did Slim in 6 this morning again, which makes 5 days in a row!  I'm so proud of myself!  It's a huge accomplishment for me!  The waking up early definitely isn't fun, especially on Wednesdays as I have an earlier meeting at work, so I have to wake up at 5:15.  :(  It's well worth it, though!  I keep flexing my muscles and making Bob feel them.  :)

While I realize I'm not supposed to weigh myself too often, I couldn't help myself.  I wanted to weigh myself tonight, and I decided I'd go ahead and do it, and if I hadn't lost weight, I'd be OK with it since I had a full outfit on, I'd eaten a lot, etc.  Well I lost 1 pound already!  That's with the water weight, food weight (or whatever), AND clothes!  I just can't believe how low "The Number" has gotten!!  I've gone from 275 pounds to (as of tonight) 244!!

I'm getting there, slowly but surely.  And quite honestly, if it wasn't slowly, it wouldn't be for good!

The strangest feeling & Baring my soul

Of all of my friends who I know read this blog, I don't know if any of you at all will be able to understand what I'm about to tell you.  I very, very rarely get full.  I don't feel full.  I can eat 1/2 a large pizza, 1/2 an order of breadsticks, and a dessert and still probably be able to stuff more food in.  It sucks.  It's part of how I got where I am today, but it's one of the feelings I acknowledge I have to overcome.  Life has been nicer now that Bob knows about this.  He knows that I will eat at a restaurant and need to eat again an hour later.

The time has come though, friends.  I have been full not once, not twice, but THREE times in the last 2 days.  THREE TIMES!  What the heck happened?!  It's absolutely amazing!  The feeling of not wanting, not "NEEDING" to eat.  It's amazing!  Do not take this for granted, my friends!  The amazing, wonderful, source of this fullness?!  SHAKEOLOGY!  I have loyally been having 1 shake a day, partly because I wanted to stick with it, partly because I already have about 2 months of shake already bought, and partly because I haven't even tried Chocolate yet.  Example 1 of being full (easily one of the top 10 moments of my life).  I was eating lunch today.  In case you're interested, I'm going to tell you about my sandwich, because it was amazing.  I don't remember the last time I had a sandwich on regular bread.  Sandwich thins all the way!  I'm a carb girl, but if it's not good bread, then sandwich thins are the boss.  So I took those sandwich thins and spread a little bit of laughing cow spreadable cheese on each bun (the flavor was Sundried tomato & basil in case you're interested).  I then put some turkey on it and some Fakon.  If you haven't tried Fakon, I love it.  It's microwaveable bacon that's not that high in points.  (Keep in mind I'm obviously still not eating the healthiest of meals that I strive for someday).  But I ate this sandwich and a handful of grapes.  I realized I had about 10 minutes left in lunch and I should eat something else.  I looked in my lunch for what I should eat next, and it hit me (this was the 3rd sensation in 2 days).  I was full again!  I didnt want any more food.  The thought of putting more food in my mouth made my stomach hurt.  It was amazing!  I wanted to dance to my next class! (But my ass still hurt from the workout this morning, so I couldn't dance up the stairs). So, my friends.  I'm not the biggest person on trying to sell things.  If I don't like it, I don't like it.  But for me to be full means that they must be doing SOMETHING right!

Anyway...I thought it was hard enough to reveal my actual weight on here, but now that that's over, it really wasn't that bad.  No, nobody came up to me on the street yelling out the horrifying number and ran away laughing.  So, I've survived.  In starting Slim in 6 and Shakeology, along with a challenge group from my wonderful Beachbody coach, Kayla, it's come time that I finally measure myself again.

Measuring...oh, how I loathe thee.  It's not so much that the inches bother me.  I mean, obviously they do, but the scale bothers me more.  It's because I could measure myself and then do it again 10 seconds later and have a completely different measurement.  I need to get tattoos of where the measurements were taken.  It's just kinda ridiculous, so even if it says I've lost inches, I never know whether to believe myself or not.  The simplest ways I've found to do this are to 1)  Have someone else (Bob) measure me.  2)  Measure without clothes (hence Bob measuring me).  Also, I measure the waist right over my fake, surgically operated into place belly button.  That at least helps the waist measurement.  He says he remembers the rest, but we'll see how that turns out in ~30 days.

Anyway...baring my soul.  For ...well, I don't really know the exact reason I'm putting these numbers on here.  I guess it makes it a lot easier to talk about things and get them in the open.  So...
Chest - 51.5"  (honestly, I'm OK with that one...I'll take 50 inches of boob any day.  Just kidding.  Take away the back fat, please).
Waist - 52"
Hips - 53"
R Upper thigh - 29"
L Upper thigh - 28.5"
R Arm - 15"
L Arm - 14.5"

Grand total - 243.5"  Awesome.  Bright side?  The only way (hopefully) is down.

So, if you're laughing, that's OK. If your jaw dropped, that's OK.  I'm glad it's in your own home and not in public in front of me. :)

If you're telling me I can do it...openly or secretly cheering me on, praying for me, wishing and hoping that I can do it, that's OK too.  I believe I can do it.  I've gotten off track since I officially decided to change my life in January, but I've never once given up and said that I just couldn't do it.  I may not be my goal weight for my friends wedding, but I will be healthier, and eventually I WILL be happy with this body that God has given me!

Much Love!

The Number, The Plan & The New Look

Well I think I'm finally getting all settled into the new place.  We still have a few boxes that need unpacked - mostly in the office.  The kitchen is all set up, as are the gaming systems in the living room, so hopefully my exercise and eating routines will be back to normal.  :)

I started doing Slim in 6 yesterday, and I feel amazing!  I did it yesterday and today right after I woke up, which is definitely a good idea for me.  If I hold off on it, I just have it looming the whole day.  There are definitely a few parts that are still challenging for me (i.e. push ups!!), but most of it pushes me just the right amount!  I have interesting flashbacks each time I try to do push ups as one of the first symptoms I had of MG was falling on my face/chest when doing push ups.  Man, did that hurt!  Rug burn on your chest is not very comfortable!





I do, however, looovvveee the resistance bands.  I could definitely do those for a long time!

I drank my first Shakeology on Friday, and I wasn't that thrilled.  I mixed water, ice & Shakeology and didn't like it much at all.  I had my second one yesterday, and I put  milk in instead of water and added a banana.  That was definitely an improvement.  I stopped at the store today and got almond milk and honey, so I'm going to try to mix things up a little more.  Wish me luck with that!

And finally, I weighed myself Thursday night.  I knew it was night, I'd eaten, and it would not be an accurate weight.  I did this on purpose so I could be forewarned if my weight had taken a turn for the worse.  However, I was still definitely under 250!  This was sooo reassuring!  My official Sunday weigh-in for today was 254.1!  Woot woot!  I'm definitely OK with that considering how unhealthy my diet was the past couple of weeks.  So here's to getting back on track!

Last, but not least, I went to a great hairdresser today - Darren from Jekyll & Hyde Salon.  O.M.G.  In love!  He's amazing and I'm totally happy with the results!  Here's a view of the newest cut & color!

Roadblock

Wow!  I don't even remember the last time I wrote in here!  That's sad! :(  A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.  To sum it all up, I got a job interview while I was visiting Ohio, got offered the job the same day, and will not be going back to Seattle!  I cancelled my flight back, and Bob will finally be arriving in Ohio tomorrow to keep me company in our wonderful new apartment.  It's been about 2 weeks since we've seen each other (a friend's wedding), and over a month since we've lived together.  I realize now how much I took for granted just with being around him, hugging and kissing him goodbye each day, and having his body next to mine at night.  I can't wait to give him a huge hug and just hold him for a bit!  

While things have been so up in the air, I have been doing an absolutely horrible job with watching what I eat.  I just checked my Weight Watchers online, and I haven't logged a weigh-in in 5 weeks.  I have no clue how much I weigh since our scale is currently in transit to Ohio.  I fear that I will be back over 250 lbs., and I'm wondering if I should wait a little bit to weigh myself again so I don't get discouraged.  Curiosity will get the best of me, I think.  

Anyway, while I am not happy with myself for going off of my plan so badly, I am proud of myself for realizing that this is just a road block.  I've had them before, and I will have them again.  This IS a lifestyle change, but that also means it will take a lot of work to make permanent changes!  I spent a good amount of time tonight creating a grocery list for tomorrow to get me through the week.  My meals won't be that exciting this week, but hopefully I will make it through until next week  I don't have a  casserole dish, no tupperware for leftovers (only bags), no spices, none of my regular cooking items (flour, spices, bread crumbs, etc), as they are in transit as well.  I really don't want to buy more ingredients that might not be used quickly, so I'm going with some easier recipes this week.  

With school already being in session, I've already had to pack some lunches, and I'm doing my best to find some interesting ones.  I currently do not have much time to microwave lunches.  I will soon hopefully have a fridge and microwave in my room at school.  Until then, I've been doing a lot of tuna in bread pouches.  It's been delish, but I fear I'll get sick of the same thing over and over.  I'm getting ingredients for sandwiches this week such as spreadable laughing cow cheese, lettuce, bacon (FAKEon) and deli meat.  I'm hoping that will be enough to spice things up.  I've also been eating cinnamon applesauce (yum!) and yogurt for lunch.  I've been getting the greek yogurt that has M&Ms or Reeses Pieces to sprinkle in, but I have no clue how many points those are.  I might switch to something else tomorrow, but first I'll see if the candy yogurts are worth the points.  

Lunches are a different story since I'm at school...dinners haven't really been satisfying me, which has led me to want to get pre-made meals or eat out.  Not good for my belly OR my budget!  : /   My current shopping list is very much lacking anything for the dinner department except for frozen dinners, which hardly fill me up.  I do have a lot of healthy snack ideas, such as fruits and vegetables.  At the same time, those are all of the same fruits and vegetables I always eat...I'm running out of ideas!  

I believe this will be one of my biggest issues of this lifestyle changes - While I love having good staples (i.e. taco casserole!!), I routinely need new recipes to try out and mix in.  Pinterest has been absolutely amazing thus far, but I'm not finding new ideas nearly as much as I was before.  

On other news in this category, I ordered Slim in 6 and Shakeology quite a few weeks ago.  They were delivered to Seattle and are now in transit to Ohio.  I absolutely CANNOT wait until I finally get to try them out.  I especially think Shakeology will help me out as I currently usually have an unsatisfying granola bar for breakfast just because I know I need to have some type of breakfast.  

I also am trying to make sure I get plenty of fluids in.  Considering how much I've been going to the restroom lately, I know I've been doing well at this.  I've been drinking a lot of sparkling water and Crystal light.  I'm still in search of the perfect battle - keeps my drink cold, doesn't leak, and has measurements to help me track how much I drink, and is a good size for mixing Crystal Light single serves.  

Sooo...if anyone has any suggestions at all, they would be extremely appreciated!!!  Here's to getting back on track!!

Much Love!

The Number, Planes & Ohio

Hello, everyone!
Well, if you're  my friend on Facebook, which you probably are, you might have seen that I have lost 30.2 lbs. to date!  This is a new record weight for me. Of course I've been lower than this before, but not for awhile.  When I saw this number on the scale, I was thrilled for more than the obvious reasons.  This was the weight after I had already eaten a Luna bar, grapes, Veggie Stix, and some water.  This was my weight at 2PM today.  This was my weight after a not so great week of following points.  And yet, it was still lower!  I'm so thankful that my new lifestyle is working now, and I realize that it's just that - a LIFESTYLE.  This is not a fad diet.  I'm not going to lose weight then go back to my old habits.  I have gotten off track countless times since the initial start in January, but each time I get off, I know that I will be back on track before I know it.

The new number?

244.8

In other news, I haven't done Richard at all this week (rather, last week).  Most days my excuse was I didn't want to get up early.  I don't think I'll ever be one to workout in the afternoon, so that wasn't much help, either.  I'm going to try to do it a few more times this week.  When I'm back in Ohio next week, I'm going to help get my mom moving, so we might do some Richard, but we'll also be taking short walks.  But, I am SUPER EXCITED to have been fully inspired by numerous years of Infomercials and finally Elizabeth Simmons.  :)  Once I get paid (because I'm bad at saving money), I will be purchasing Slim In 6, a Beachbody fitness program.  I'm also going to be trying Shakeology.  I don't expect this to be any quick fix radical change, and I also don't know how I'll feel about it. I might end up mixing Slim in 6 with Richard, but we'll see.  I'm hoping that with more of a variety and new workouts, I might be more up for exercising.  Plus, Simmons and I will have the same Beachbody coach, and she seems to be really supportive.  I'm going to join a challenge group (hopefully) in which our coach will be sure to support me each day.  Woot woot!

And planes....Bob left Wednesday night to go to D.C. for a trip.  Now he's in Utah for work.  He gets back in Seattle just a few hours after I leave Seattle for Ohio.  We'll then see each other for about 3 days before he flies back to Seattle again, then I'll follow him 3 days after that.  Crazy, huh?!  We didn't do a good job of planning all of this, but a lot of it was out of our control.  

The closer it gets to my Ohio trip, the more I'm actually starting to dread it.  I've lost 30 pounds.  THIRTY POUNDS!  I used to not even think 5 pounds was a lot until somebody told me to go hold up a 5 pound bag of flour at the grocery store.  Do I ever want that back on my body?  No.  

But do I look any different?  Not at all.  :(  I know it's a lot more difficult to see weight loss changes on people who are heavier, and I know the steroids might have an effect on how I look.  The fact remains that I pretty much look the same.  On top of the weight, my face has been having some weird problems.  I'm going to schedule a trip to the dermatologist for when I get back to Seattle.  I should have schedule one a long time ago, but I thought it would go away.  Here's a preview of my dry, irritated, flaking cheeks right after the shower (and no makeup).    

I always think it looks a bit better after the shower, so this is probably a good picture.  : /  This began on my face a few months ago.  I believe it was largely from stress at school.  

And...what in the world is going on with my hair?!  I remember in college a lot of people liked my hair.  Now, I can't do anything with it!  I got a cut a couple of weeks ago, and I don't know if it's the same or worse.  I hadn't been using any products except hairspray for my blow-dried, curling iron-ed hair.  I'm now using products, but I don't think I like them very much.  Good thing I've just given up on making it look good for work this summer.  However, I really wish I could make it look good for Ohio.  :/  I thought about getting it cut when I get home, but I don't know what I'll do to it.  We'll see.  I wish Desirae could still do my hair.  She new me, my lifestyle, what was realistic, what wasn't, what would look good or bad on me.  Oh, well.  I will continue my search to find someone new!

So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I wonder when I do look good some day if I will actually feel like I look good.  I think I will.  I still remember when I thought I was pretty at times.  I hope I can feel that again someday soon, even if it's before any more major weight loss.  Wish me luck, and hopefully my next post will have a new, lower number!

Much love, 

Katie

Espanol

Well, I did day #2!  :)  I skipped working out yesterday.  I think I could have done it, but I wanted a plan for days to work out.  I didn't want to push myself and expect too much right away.  One of my friends noted on Facebook that if I plan to work out 3 days a week, there are probably days I'm going to miss, so I may as well plan for working out every day.  I think that is a valid point.  So, I'm going to attempt for every day now.  I think if I do so many days in a row, I'll probably give myself a break since I'm not fully in the swing of things yet.  I did Sweatin' to the Oldies 1 again today, but I have 2, 3 & 4 also, so I might rotate them.  I don't know if they vary on difficulty or not.  It's great to know that mom is working out to Richard again, and we can talk about it.  When I go home in August, we'll get to do them together!

One sad bit of news is that I forgot to weigh myself this morning!  : /  Sundays are my usual day, so I'm kind of bummed, but by the time I'd remembered, I'd had a big breakfast, drank water, gone to the bathroom and was in the middle of my workout.  Therefore - results not accurate.  Oh, well.  I'll hopefully remember tomorrow morning.

While I don't want to put too much on my plate, I'm thinking it's about time I bust out the Spanish lessons again!  With all of the meetings I have at school and interactions with parents, I've come across quite a few who speak Spanish.  It's definitely more common than it is in Ohio, but I know speaking Spanish would be helpful no matter what.  Bob and I got Rosetta Stone for Spanish about a year ago, and I've only started the beginning lessons.  I'm hoping I can work on them some more this summer.  Yes, I'm teaching ESY, but I don't have meetings and paperwork as much as during the school year.  Therefore, I'm hoping it's doable.  I usually get home around 4:30, so maybe I can do a lesson or two a night before Bob gets home.

OK...time to shower and head up to exchange some clothes at the mall...

Much love!

Richard Simmons

Oh. My. Goodness.  I just exercised.  It has been SO long.  I exercised 2 or 3 times after my surgery, and before that, I did Zumba about 3 times.  Other than that, I think it has been years!  At least months! I just don't even remember!  I bought Richard Simmons DVDs, because so many things have honestly been so hard!  I just did it all!  The whole thing, without stopping!  At some points I thought it was too easy, and at some points I thought it was too hard, but I. Didn't. Stop.

OK...That's all...

...I really hope I keep this up.

Much love

Social Anxiety

...That's what the psychiatrist officially said I have.  It's definitely kicking in today.  First day of my summer vacation that I'm spending alone.  No Bob, no Kyle, no Kelsey.  I thought it would be enjoyable.  By myself, I can't go out into the world.  I can't even open our apartment door.  Bob asked me to go pay rent, and I've been freaking out for about 4 hours now just thinking about having to go to the office.  Some days it gets so bad that I make myself physically sick and end up throwing up.  Now I've just been thinking about what else I'm going to do until I start teaching again in about a week, then I start to freak out about that.  How am i supposed to go to this meeting with all of these other teachers that I don't even know?  And then I'm supposed to teach kids I've never met before, work with other people I've never met?  Oh, goodness...I'm glad it's only 4 weeks.  But after that 4 weeks, what happens?  How am I supposed to face the world?  How am I supposed to do this forever? I have a feeling I should probably still be seeing a psychiatrist.  Problem with that?  I have to go out in public to see one!  ugh!  There is so much anxiety just from going to an appointment...Getting ready, leaving the apartment, actually driving my car, which can bring so many other problems into it, finding a place to park, possibly paying for parking, knowing where to check in, wondering how I look, wondering who is observing me...Typing these all out, it sounds so silly, but they all scare me so much...I just don't want to go anywhere.  At least I haven't gotten physically sick today.  I just can't wait for Bob to get home now...I hope it's soon.  I'm not going to post this one on Facebook, so I doubt anyone will ever see it, but that's ok.  I think sometimes you just need to get the feelings out there.  Wish me luck.

Summer!!! & There's always room for improvement

It is finally summer!  Oh my goodness, it feels so great to not have to worry about going back to the stress that I faced every day at school.  I'll admit, I keep thinking about those things a few times a day, but I'm getting better at pushing them out of my thoughts.  I'll come up with some plan to deal with it when it's closer to the time, and hopefully God will help with that.

I've been thinking of some things to do with my few days of summer.  I quickly went through  my closet and got rid of shoes and clothes that I don't wear in order to donate them.  My anxiety, however, has been so high lately that I'm scared to leave the house without someone I'm close with.  Therefore, I'm going to see if Bob will come with me to make the donations.  I also have some food to donate, so I'm hoping we can go on a donation run tomorrow.

Speaking of anxiety, I'm still kind of disappointed that I haven't been able to make friends out here.  I know that is partially the situation and partially my fault for not being able to overcome my anxiety.  I do have one person who understands me very well, and I'm trying to get closer to her, but with the little things being so overwhelming, it's hard to even meet up with her!  Ugh... :(

Anyway...I'm working on 3 different things right now, and I'd LOVE any input from anyone!

1)  Physical life improvement.  These are material things, such as getting rid of extra clothes and shoes. Bob and I organized some of the kitchen cabinets the other day, too.  Another thing I did a couple of weeks ago was organize my jewelry.  I also plan on cleaning all of my jewelry sometime this summer, too.  Any other thoughts?  I'll probably do the following:

• Clean jewelry
• Organize closet (hang clothes by jeans/bottoms and tops/shirts
• Clean desktop
• Organize desk files

Let me know if there are any other thoughts!

2)  Mental/physical body improvement.  These are things that some people may feel iffy about.  While I don't really think looks are the most important thing, I think there is something to be said for just feeling better if/when I look better.  For example, I probably wore my hair in a ponytail about once a week this year at school.  For some reason, a lot of the teachers complimented it, but I don't think a ponytail looks very good on me, so I'd like to make a point to do my hair more often (at least if I'm going out in public).  I also want to put hair cuts, hair colors, face waxing, etc. on my calendar so I remember to do them every however often they're supposed to be done.  That way I don't look at my hair someday, realize I have a ton of split ends, and then realize I haven't had a haircut in 6 months!  (This has happened!)  So...here's my list so far:

• Scheduled haircuts
• Scheduled hair coloring
• Scheduled facial wax
• Teeth whitening 

3)  Healthy lifestyle.  As always, I am continuing to work on my healthy lifestyle.  While my weight has still had its ups and downs, I am still under 250.  I weigh in again this Sunday, so we'll see how it is then.  I have been kind of down lately about the number, though.  I know I'm doing well, but I also know I could be doing better.  My goal was to weigh 130 by Janet's wedding.  In doing the math, I realize that's no longer a realistic goal.  I SHOULD be happy to just be any skinnier than I am now for her wedding, but I'm realizing that I failed myself on that goal, so it's frustrating.  Also, I was hoping to look so much different for my visit back to Ohio in August, but I don't think it's happening.  I don't think my body will have changed enough to make a difference, and it's just embarrassing to be seen by so many people when if anything, I've probably gained weight since I was back there. :(  Please give me positive thoughts and prayers to help me get over these negative ones.  

Anyway, I'm sticking with Weight Watchers.  Honestly, I don't think Weight Watchers can fail you if you follow it.  For anyone wanting a long term solution, I highly recommend it!  

As far as exercise goes, I'm going to try to start walking just 10 minutes at a time for either 3 or 4 times a week.  I'll do that for a week or so then up it to 15 minutes.  At this point, it seems like a low goal, but realistically, it will probably work my body enough to benefit it.  I kind of want to work some type of weight exercise into that, but I don't know what to do.  I know I probably shouldn't be doing all cardio, but at the same time, I don't want to push myself.  Any thoughts?

Other than that, my summer is pretty much scheduled for me:

• Now - July 9th 
• - SUMMER
• July 9th - August 3rd 
• - Teaching ESY...I'm teaching two sessions, so I'll pretty much have nights and weekends off just like I did during the school year.  Let's hope I have more free time, though, since I won't be having as many (hopefully none!) meetings or IEPs/paperwork.  
• This also includes Bob's and my 1st ANNIVERSARY on July 17th!  :)  We're stirring up ideas now to celebrate, but feel free to throw some out there!
• August 4th - 15th 
• - OHIO!  can't wait to see everyone!
• August 16th - 26th 
• - SUMMER
• August 27th 
• - Teacher work days then school starts again...

So overall, I just have a few weeks of actual unscheduled time, but I'm hoping that works out in my favor.  

I've missed writing in here as much, but I was so stressed that I just didn't have time the last month or two.  I hope I'll get lots of feedback and suggestions on my road of improvement!  Thanks!

Much love!

The Number, The Migraines, and Being Thankful

The Number

This week, I don't even know what my number is.  I haven't been logging my points on Weight Watchers since approximately April 29th.  Why?  I don't know.  I think a part of it is my body catching up with the stress I have been dealing with emotionally.  I was very pleasantly surprised when I continued to lose weight for such a long time, and I think maybe my body was just sick of pushing.  That's so disappointing to me, though.  While I CAN say, "It's my first year teaching, we moved across the country, I don't have friends or family here, etc." I really wanted to beat that and all of the stereotypes.  I've tried a couple of Sundays to get back into the swing of things, but it just hasn't been catching on.  My weaknesses?  Chocolate milk, ruffles, chocolate, nuts, macaroni & cheese.  There are a few other things that have been really odd about this period.  If I eat fast food, my body doesn't like it, yet I still go back.  I've thrown up almost every time after eating fast food in the last couple of weeks.  Nothing has made my body feel good when the bad foods have gotten in my system.  Another thing is that nothing else sounds good to me.  I haven't packed my lunch for the last couple of weeks because nothing at home sounds good.  Then I think I'll stop at Starbucks or a gas station to get something, and nothing else there sounds good, either.  We go to the grocery store and nothing sounds good to buy for lunch packing.  If nothing sounds good, how can I put so much food in my stomach?!  It's crazy!

Speaking of how crazy everything is, I was talking to my lovely friend Jenn, and we were both just frustrated and in shock at how crazy America has gotten.  Look up your BMI.  Are you in the healthy range?  Are you overweight? Obese?  Morbidly obese?  It all sneaks up on us so quickly!  

I feel stupid for putting this out there, but I need to.  I keep having this dream that maybe one day I'll lose all of this weight and become healthy.  Just that - healthy.  I won't become obsessed with nutrition and working out 24/7, but healthy.  I will eat right.  I will eat out a healthy amount.  I will exercise a healthy amount.  And maybe, just maybe, I will be able to help others.  I want to show others that I have come a long way and they can do it, too.  We can lose over 100 pounds.  We can go from barely being able to walk or climb stairs to running and sprinting.  It's just..so.hard.

But that's another reason I'm writing in here.  Not only does it help me and help to put it past me, but maybe someday I will be in a healthy weight range and somebody else can look at me and say "I bet that was so simple"...I can direct them to this post and let them know how ashamed, disappointed, and disgusted with myself I have been for 2 weeks as I binge on unhealthy food and wondering when I'll get back on WW.  



Anyway, as of tonight, I officially have 30 more days of teaching.  That's school days, not including Memorial Day.  My last day of work is June 26th.  How am I surviving?  That's just it...I'm surviving.  I was quite involved in both high school and college.  I had lots of positions, stress, drama, etc.  First year of teaching?  NOT.EVEN.COMPARABLE.  That's all.  Some days are hell and it's all I can do to breath.  Other days I love it and can't get enough of the kids.  Overall, though, I'm hoping next year is easier. 

A migraine is a severe, painful headachethat is often preceded or accompanied by sensory warning signs such as flashes of light, blind spots, tingling in the arms and legs, nausea, vomiting, and increased sensitivity to light and sound. The excruciating pain that migraines bring can last for hours or even days.

What have I been having for weeks now?  Migraines...of course.  I at first thought maybe they were just headaches, but then I got more of the throbbing, light was bothering me, and then the nausea hit.  When that happened, I knew they were more than headaches.  Good news?  I already have a neurologist.  :)  I called for an appointment, and he had a last minute cancellation two weeks ago.  I went in that day.  He prescribed me some preventative over the counter meds 2 x a day and another pill that I take at the onset of migraines and every 2 hours as they persist (but no more than 4 in one day).  The results?  I don't really think they're working.  I know it's only been 2 weeks, but I've already been through 14 pills.  I feel like they were probably supposed to subside by now.  Maybe I'm wrong, though.  One of the most bothersome things is, of course, teaching with a migraine.  I'm sure there are a lot of jobs that are hard to do with a migraine, but working with little kids who don't really understand the pain (at least mine don't) is hard.  The sun, the noise...it's all crazy.  



Anyway, I apologize for those of you who are annoyed that this was so much complaining.  To end my night in a more positive light: Things that I'm grateful for:

• The amazing friends that keep in touch with me even while I'm in Seattle?  Big plus, the friends who make an effort to keep in touch with me besides just me reaching out to them.

• Getting in touch with long lost friends.

• Family members who love me.

• A wonderful, caring, patient husband

• people who believe in me no matter what

• I have a job in the area in which I studied.

• I have a wonderful apartment with beautiful views of mountains, Lake Washington, and the Space Needle (which is kind of ugly for the next 5 months or so because of that stupid galaxy orange decision).

• People who read my blog and leave comments encouraging me.  

The number

It's only been a few day since my last post, and not much has happened.  However, I just have one thing that I need to share...the number is now...

247.4

I am officially under 250 pounds!

AND I INTEND ON NEVER GOING BACK!!!

The bad week, my number, and next year

Most of you who are reading this are probably my friend on Facebook as well.  If so, you might have seen that I've had a tough week.  I've really tried to stray from posting annoying status updates on Facebook....I usually don't see much of a point in complaining about life on there (not that I mind if other people need to).  However, it was just so horrendous that I wanted some confirmation that people cared.  I had different kinds of "bad" this week, and this morning was one of the scariest.  
Monday - binge bad.  Pretty self-explanatory.  I binged.  Bad.  Really bad.  I ate an entire medium pizza and 2 lava cakes.  I felt so sick afterward.  You might be wondering why I ate that much of it made me feel sick.  I'm still wondering that.  
Wednesday - bawling bad.  I bawled my eyes out all the why home, crying to my mother on the phone wondering why someone wanted to make me so upset.  
This morning (Saturday) - depression bad.  My doctor has official had me off of my depression meds for a couple of months now.  This morning, for some reason, I had really bad depression thoughts.  I haven't dealt with them in several months, so it was pretty hard to shake.  However, I did so within a couple of hours (for the most part...some are still lingering), so I'm very proud of myself.  It really is scary to think about those thoughts, though.  To hear your own voice in your head asking "Why am I teaching?...Why am I even living?  Would anyone really notice if I was gone?" is really scary.  When I was in the depression stages really badly, it wasn't as scary because they were there every day...just repeating themselves in my head.  When you've gotten used to that positive voice in your head, it can be really scary to hear them come back.  I think it was a little more troubling because Bob isn't back from his business trip yet, and I think hearing another voice would kind of pop them out.  I didn't feel like calling anyone, though, especially my mom.  I'm sure that part of my life was just as scary for her.  
Anyway, I have an "assignment" this week to think of some starting conversation points to bring up about the stuff that has been going on at work.  I wish I could go into all of the nitty gritty details of what happened on here, but when you study education at BG (or I'm sure a lot of other colleges), you pretty much get a lecture in every course about the dangers of posting things on the Internet.  I would love to feel like I could get it all out there, but unfortunately this is not the place or time for the details.  The overall issue is that I'm scared to death to stand up for myself.  Why?  Because I HATE confrontation.  I'd rather take a beating every day and bring myself back to life every night just to fight it again.  I hate that feeling of my face and cheeks turning red, not being able to think of the words to say and blinking up at the lights so that nobody can see the tears forming.  Ugh...I just hate it!  When in my life did this fear of confrontation begin?!  I didn't have a problem with this in the earlier days of college!  At any rate, the fear is with me now, so I need some strong words and phrases to just be memorized so I can say something when I need to say it.  


So, onto other things.  As much as I try not to just complain, I need to get this out there - I'm so frustrated that I woke up with a stomach ache, took medicine for that, that went away, and now I have a migraine!  It would suck on any day, but especially today!  It's sooo beautiful outside!  I'd love to have the windows and blinds all wide open, but the light and noise is really bothering me right now! :(  Maybe they'll get better and tomorrow will still be a wonderful day.  Let's hope so!  For awhile I just had to sit and let the pounding continue.  At least now it's gotten better enough that I can have the TV on, the one curtain is open, and I can focus on typing.  


My number.  I haven't updated about "my number" in awhile.  I'm not sure what the last post was, but I'll update from as much as I remember.  For the last 3 weeks, I've gained according to my Weight Watchers weigh ins.  The first week I gained 0.3 lbs., the second week I gained 0.4 lbs., and I think I gained 0.6 lbs. the last week.  The only weird thing is that according to my weigh ins for The Biggest Loser at work, I've lost each week.  This week, my weigh-in even said that I lost 3.25 lbs.  (or something close to that...I'm not sure on the exact now, but it was around 3 or 4 lbs).  I'm not giving up on my weight loss, but it sure has been frustrating, especially because I'm SO close to 250 and getting under that!  So even with my binge, I'm still within my points range for the week.  Let's hope that I've gotten under that dreaded 250 mark!


Next year.  The next year of my life has been, and I fear always will be, up in the air.  Will I have a job?  Won't I?  Will it be full time?  Will it be in Washington?!  So many questions up in the air and unanswered.  It's April 21st.  I'm supposed to hear about a summer job "in mid-April."  I have no clue when I'm supposed to know about next year.  Numbers are still coming together.  I understand that everyone's doing their best...I'm just so anxious/nervous.  


Well, the head is starting to pound again, so I suppose I should take a break.  Thanks to all of those who read my blog, even if just on occasion.  I really appreciate the support!  :)  


Much love! 

I Try To Keep My Head Up, But It's So Heavy

So today is Sunday.  Sunday is weigh-in day.  Usually, when I remember this, I jump out of bed, excited to see what results the past week has brought me.  Today = no exception.  I woke up about 30 minutes ago and was about ready to roll back over and try to go back to sleep when I remembered...Sunday...weigh-in day!  So I excitedly went to the scale and weighed myself, twice, as I always do, for accuracy.  My new number? 

253.5 lbs. 

Waa, waa.... :(  I about cried.  I'm trying to tell myself that maybe I gained muscle, but I don't know enough about exercise and how it changes my body to know if that's really true.  This is the first week in SO long that I have exercised at all, and I exercised four days. 
1) Zumba
2) Day 1 of C25K (mix of walk/jog)
3) Failed Day 2 of C25K resulted in a 5 minute walk and 15 minutes biking
4) Zumba


I didn't lift weights...I know I gain muscle in other ways, and I DID just have that surgery, but still.  :(  Anyway, now comes the sad part of recalculating my pretty stones.  I think with the 0.4 and 0.7 I gained between the last 2 weeks, I'm going to have to put a stone back in the "pounds to lose" jar.  I just want to make sure it's all correct, so I'm going to double count for sure.


So what to do now?  Well, I was intent on doing my first actual Zumba workout today since I've finally finished the DVD showing me how to do the moves.  Honestly, though, I don't really want to.  Will I have time to workout later this week?  Who knows...it's going to be a crazy one with going back to school.  Anyway, I have had my rant/rave/cryfest on here now, so it's off to another (hopefully weight-loss filled) week.  




Things to keep my thoughts on to lift my spirits:
1)  I got my (first!) BEAUTIFUL and MEANINGFUL tattoo yesterday!  

2)  It barely hurt at all while it was being done, and there was literally NO bleeding...I don't even think it was red ever!  
3)  Bob and I had a great time at the Symphony last night and jointly agreed to get series tickets again next season.

4)  I get to go back to school tomorrow!  I have so much work to get caught up on, and I can't wait to be in that organized state of mind and have control over all of the projects/testing/deadlines I have in the near future!  AND to see my kiddos!  ANDDDD my coworkers!  I miss them sooo much!  


5) Last, but OF COURSE not least, today is EASTER!  God has given me so much in my life, and today is an EXTRA special day that I get to celebrate Him and all He has done for us!  Thank you, God, for everything you have given me and allowed me to accomplish so far in my lifetime! 


6) OK, so 5 reminded me of something else...it's Link's honorary birthday!  


So have a wonderful, beautiful Easter Sunday.  For those of you who get to see family, don't take it for granted...I'm missing mine today!  Until next time...


Much Love!